Monday, April 19, 2010

What Is Wrong With Me?

It just hit me how undeniably afraid I am of change.
My father bought me the wrong soy milk and I cried.

What Makes Us, Us?

What shapes us most?
Oh, the huge debate about what makes us, well, us.

Our genetics? We cannot help who we become and who we are because it's enlisted in our DNA.
Our enviroment? How we're brought up, what we see and what we hear.
Or, our experiences? What we experience and what we take out of them and respond with.

I personally think it's a mixture of all three of these. I don't think you can pin-point one exact cause.

Genetics, we're born with things that cannot be helped. These are both physical and mental. You see it families all the time and I was reading an article the other day about a model who's just had children. She used to believe it was your enviorment, now she solely believes it's your genetics because she has observed her children.

Enviroment, we see it all the time. Compare other countries to your own. Religions, way of life, dos and don't are all influenced by how you're brought up.

Experience, now this one's a bit harder for me to explain. It's like with trust. People who are raped or have bad relationships with their fathers (girls particularly), change because of it. Their life changes and it happens in all different ways, there's no denying it.

I don't think there's any enying any of it.

So, can people really 'change'? Or is it genetic or enforced into you and you cannot change, maybe only temporary?

I've been thinking about it recently, can people change? I used to think, yes yes yes! Of course.
But, maybe not? Now I'm reluctant in giving a straight out answer to it. I'm not too sure.

Sorry this is such a sporadic ramble, my head's in a foggy rage right now.


Friday, April 16, 2010

I'm Lacking Thought

And inspiration.
Well, I wouldn't say I'm lacking thoughts, just thoughts I cannot share.
Song lyrics fix everything though.

And there are no barking sparrows
Just emptiness to dwell upon
I fell into a winter slide
And ended up the kind of kid
Who goes down Chutes Too Narrow

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Advice From A Manic

1. Don't pick your nose in your car, people can see you!

2. To avoid looking like a complete spastic, don't talk about things you don't know about. People will think you're just stupid if you do. Anyway, you'll look way cooler if you ask questions about things. Yes, this includes people, sex, coco chanel and life.

3. If you feel strongly about something, and someone else feels strongly about the opposite - avoid this topic. You will argue and you will not change their view on the subject, just like they won't change yours.

4. When there's someone or something in your life causing you stress - eliminate it. And, if you can't because they're family, completely good looking or someone you just have to put up with, then confront them and let them know you think your life would be better if you didn't communicate.

5. If they say they're going to call and they don't, smack those bitches up.

6. Don't worry about what different colours are supposed to mean when giving flowers! Choose what you think they'd like but remember to always check for bugs.

7. Start your own blog. You might be worried that you don't have anything important to say or that no one will want to read it, but honestly, we've all got something important to say and there's always someone who will want to know what you've got to say, yes you! And if not, you can always force your friends to read it, yes force. If you have no friends, I recommend viewing your own blog at least a hundred times a day to maximise your own page views.

8. Use a condom and don't lie about being on the pill. Hell, use two even! The pull out method is not as effective as condoms, and they're not even very effective! No, they're not - ask your doctor.

9. Swearing is not attractive, yes, this applies to males too. In saying this, don't be so uptight about words like 'fuck' and 'cunt', they're just words. However, if they're directed at you in an offensive manner, you can go biserk - otherwise, move on.

10. Although times-they-are-a-changing, something's still remain the same. Like, mystery still remains sexy so don't reveal absolutely everything to anyone. I repeat, to anyone. It's not lying, it's being mysterious. You know what is dead though? Racism and sexism. Yes, that's dead. Neither are cool.

11. Love yourself, especially your body because it's a lot more attractive when people are confident. But not too confident, that disgusts people.

12. Stand up for yourself! You'll feel good about it, earn others respect an get things off your troubled mind.

13. Do what you love and set your priorities straight. Boys, is it really worth watching that sporting match tonight and ignoring your girlfriend again? Same goes to you girls, is it worth spending hours on the phone again in risk of loosing your boyfriend?

14. Shave your legs this winter, girlies!

15. Eat more chocolate. It makes you happy, it tastes good and you deserve it. Besides, if you don't you'll have ten times more tomorrow.

16. Learn to say 'hello' in five different languages.

17. Don't count your friends, just remember their names.

18. Know your favourites things - colour, movie, song, season, holiday - so when asked you can have an answer instead of the boring "Uhh, I don't know".

19. Go out without looking in the mirror, just once.

20. You know what's cool this year? Caring about and saving the enviroment! Do it!

21. Forget about your problems for a bit and ring a troubled friend. They deserve it.

22. Use your manners because manners will never be dead.

23. Money doesn't need to be spent to have a good time.

24. Do something creative. Like an inspiration wall, a painting, photography or writing.

25. Garage sales get rid of your old junk and become someone elses treasures. Plus, you could earn money and you're reusing!

Okay Okay

Yes, I have mental illnesses and yes I take lots of medications.
But, to point this out and use it against me? That's just plain low.
You don't know my story, you don't even know 1/5 of it, so shut your trap because you're just talking out your arse.

For the record readers, I don't think highly of myself, I actually hate myself more than you ever could but watch what you say about it because it's disgusting and pathetic people like you who cause very negative things for others, and not just myself.
You're obviously the one with insecurities being so low like you are, speaking continiously about how I'm this and this and I need this and I'm a mental case (which I am but it's disgusting you point this out so regularly as you have no idea why and it's just completely ignorant and inconsiderate NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU HATE ME!)

And yes, people like me will live alone in this world because people like you have so much stigma attatched to people like me. Which isn't my fault, it's yours.
I actually happen to know some of the most amazing and incomprehensible beings to roam this earth, so shut your gab.

You say I'm too judgemental, when all you do is talk talk talk about everyone else. I'm actually the LEAST judgemental person you'll ever know.
I just hate you because you hate me and you talk shit shit shit and eventually it'll make people hate you. Because I already know soo many people who do, but say they're afraid to say something because you take away important people from them and I'm going to say it, you're intimidating, which is sad. You make people afraid of you. That's so horrible.

"You serious issues in your head, you need stronger pills" saying this is just horrible. I'm unfixable if you must know and it's not my fault AT ALL so you're pathetic saying anything along these lines when you know nothing.
I thought people had learnt at our age, you know, gained enough life experience to know that you shouldn't talk in-depth about things you have no idea about. It's just common sense, but it seems, common sense is not so common.

You say this is a game. Are you having fun? Because this isn't a game to me. Especially when I have to try to decipher your hideous spelling and grammar. It's just plain hard work and tiresome. You just sit with a dictionary besides you, pleaaassseeee.

You just won? That's good for you, so can you please shut your disgusting face and move on? You've left this town, now leave it's people because we have negativity towards you, and I know this for a fact.
Oh, and if you're going to be pathetic and bounce back with 'no one likes you either', I know. :)
Now run along.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

It Really Bugs Me....

- When you read something and you think it's about you, but you're not sure.
- When your best guy mates get a girlfriend who becomes jealous, thus causing you to tone down/or ruin your friendship which is a perfectly friendly relationship with no desires to touch one another's body.
- When boys get whipped.
- When people try to sound smart and make out they're the best at english and read all the time and whatnot, but they're spelling and logic is unbearable.
- When ugly people think they're hot.
- When you're about to die and no one says anything because they're too afraid.
- When fat bitches date my bestfriends.
- That I'm not eighteen.
- That I'm not allowed to move out according to the police and doctors.
- When people only know bits and pieces of who I am, thus leaving a huge unfilled gap of important things.
- When people think they're right, but they're wrong
- When people argue and try to make points, which make absolutely no sense, but they insist they've won.
- That religion has got the best of people.
- That chocolate tastes soo good.
- That we only have one bathroom and I never have a chance to have a bath, only quick showers.
- That I have no desire to do what I used to love doing.
- That my boyfriend has two lives.
- That I've cut off friendships with people and I know they'll never be the same again.
- That I have to keep so many things from people, for their sake.
- That people are oblivious to so many awful things going on.
- That my iPod restored itself.
- That plane tickets are so expensive right now.
- That bad things happen to good people.
- That I can't play an instrument.

Don't Move An Inch

Slow down, Jo
Anybody ever tell you that you move too fast?
Anybody ever tell you how to make a good thing last?
Cuz it aint like that....

It aint by kicking down the walls & pissing off your friends
Every time the cards don't fall your way
It aint by poking out your eyes when you see something you don't like
Even your mama said she don't want to see you spent at 25
So come on, Jo stay alive....

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


There's a little Holden Caulfield in all of us

Monday, April 12, 2010



Always Like This

Oh she can't wait for
What I can give
She knows what I am
But she won't believe me
Is it all ok?

Your Blog Is So Shit

I was reading people's blogs today and my goodness, shut the fuck up.
Why do you have a blog anyway? You drive me insane.

By the way, if you're going to try and sound smart and poetical, can you please learn to spell first?

Sunday, April 11, 2010

I'm Happiest When I Think Of Dying

Death can't be that bad if so many people choose it, can it?

I'm afraid of dying, I'm just more afraid of living and of life.

No Title.

I need to tell my father something but I don't know how so I thought I'd tell my blog instead...

Saturday, April 10, 2010

You Help Things Die

I thought of deleting my last post. It was an impulsive act. It's personal and the idea is full of stigma and negativity. But so what?
It's real. It's what I felt at the time and consistently feel these days. Why should I pretend it's not? Because people will think bad of me? Why? They don't understand, and they know they don't.

We hide away from the truth too much. Horrible things happen to people, innocent people. Believe what you want, but Karma's non existant.
Google suicide. Research malnutrition. Look up slaughterhouses, insane asylums, war, genocides and rape.
It exists. You can believe whatever you like as to why it happens, and I can't make you do something about it, but know. It happens.

No picture is required here, these words say more than any picture could.

Friday, April 9, 2010

I'm Not Afraid

For the first time in a long time, I'm not afraid to say that I want to die.

I no longer want any friends.
I no longer want to try.
I no longer want to eat.
I no longer want to be kind.
I no longer want to pretend.
I no longer want to communicate.

I just want to die.
I will die.

We Can't All Be Set Free

Have you ever heard someone tell you, that if you love something enough you should let it go? To set it free?
Well, I think those people are naive. There, I said it. You're ignorant if you think this always applies.

Sometimes, it's not about letting the one you love go. Sometimes, it's about not letting them go, even if they want to. Sometimes, people get lost and they don't know where to go, who to be or what to believe. Sometimes, people are an inconspicuous war; mind vs. heart.
If you let these people go, they won't come back. They may never be able to come back. Sometimes they'll just get more lost and continue travelling down the path towards 'Too Far Gone'.

Sometimes, freedom doesn't exist for everyone.

Let the one you love, know you love them.
Sometimes, in order to head in the right direction, the lost people need the not-so-lost people, to guide them home. Wherever that may be...

Thursday, April 8, 2010

You Call Yourself Religious

...yet you still eat the rotting corpses of innocent souls?

It annoys me when religious folk eat creatures with a face.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I Want To Stop Thinking About Tomorrow

And breathe in this exact moment instead.

In hospital I had to attend a lot of classes which focused on a thing called 'mindfulness'. Mindfulness is basically allowing yourself to live in the here and now. To just push aside all other little problems, and think about this exact moment.
It's something I wish to try again. I've got so caught up in the past and the future that I've forgotten just how useful this tool can be.

I worry about events which are happening months, sometimes even years, down the track. Hell, I could be dead by then. What's the use in worrying about the future?

I know the past makes up a lot of who we are, but I can't change it. If I choose to think about it, why focus on the negatives? The past is something we should learn from, not dwell on.

I no longer see the point in worrying about something I have no control over. I shall get my booklets out and my meditation cd's and practise mindfulness again.

I think you should too.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

I've Had A Reoccuring Thought

Whenever I'm on my laptop, I'm searching through thousands of images. These images range anywhere from murder, animals, landscapes and cute little graphics. The ones I stop and stare at, all get me thinking.
I've discovered many stories through these images and thought many thoughts.

I was looking at images of my three favourite animals recently.
They are jellyfish, deer and penguins. It got me wondering, why are these my favourite animals? Thankfully, I came up with an answer.
Jellyfish, because they're so beautiful. They're elegant, luminous and graceful. They live under the ocean and the ocean's always intruiged me as we know so little about it. But also, the jellyfish may be beautiful, but that's it's weapon. It's beauty lures you in and then it bites.
Deer, I don't know much about them, but when I think of deer imagine them as people. As people, I imagine them to be someone I'd envy. I think they'd be beautiful, quiet, peaceful, smart, polite and graceful.
Penguins, other than the fact they're simply charming, penguins are romantics. They stick to one partner for their whole lives.

So, that's why theyre my three favourite animals. But, there's more to this thought.
I got thinking about my favourite idols.
They are, Michael Jackson and Lindsay Lohan. I know, they're strange but that's the way I like it.
Why are they my idols/inspiration?
Michael Jackson lived such an interesting life. He was always in the spotlight, usually for negative things. He's been accused of so much, things I don't think I need to write. But, I honestly don't think he's guilty. I believe his past has made him vulnerable and his mental state has made him do crazy things, but not immoral things.
Lindsay Lohan has been in showbiz since childhood. She's been on drugs, suffered various eating disorders and dated a woman, although she denies a lot of this. Linsay went from being a full figured redhead, to a sickly thin blonde. She's been in rehab and been caught by the papparazzi a million and one times doing things that have caused a lot of crap. I support her because I believe she's not a bad person, that a lot of people would go the same way as her if they were in the same position.

Anyway, I've been a bit of track and it's really hard to explain. But, I basically think these things all intruige me because I don't know about them, or they have something I don't have.
Penguins have eternal love. Jellyfish have beauty but are complete bitches.
Michael and Lindsay had it all but they went off the rails. Deer have everything, but do they really?

Anyway, basically, without really explaining myself well. I believe we envy/love/idolise/want things because we don't understand them. Because we think they have something we don't, or we want to know what makes them different. When really, we're all the same.

People fall in love with someone because they see something that they want to know more about, then they find that and they fall out of love. That thing wasn't as good close up as it was from afar.

We envy people because we think they're better off then us. When really, they're live's are as bad as ours, just in different ways.

We idolise people because they seem to have it all, things we don't have. When really, they're probably lonely and without a family and theirlives are wacked.

We fear the unknown, when yet, there's beauty in the unknown. Maybe this means our future's looking good?