Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Overwhelming

I just got an overwhelming feeling of contentness.

I am going to change who I am. I am going to stop trying to be anyone but me.
I am me, I am going to be happy with just me.

I don't need others to complete me, they're just added bonuses to help me be even more happy.
I am independent. I am going to be someone I'm proud to be.

I may not be skinny, so what, I have amazing eyes.
I may not be super smart at school, so what, I know more about life than anyone I know.
I may not be rich, so what, I work hard for what I have.
I may have a million problems which get in the way, so what, I've been through more than anyone I know.
I may not have many friends, so what, they don't know me and they're ignorant.


If I can't be happy with how the world is, and how most people are these days, I can at least try my hardest to be happy with myself and my close friends.


I Will Stay Strong.

Real World

Please don't change, please don't break
The only thing that seems to work at all is you

Monday, January 25, 2010

Wild Tigers I Have Known

Silence is a power and a tool,
For you, for you

You keep your heart from your chest,
It'll be gone just like the rest.

Say all the right words,
And hold your heart from your chest.

There will be wise men,
singing, bringing you luck
Now, there will be wise men,
singing, bringing you luck
Now there will be wise men,
singing, bringing you luck
Bringing you love.
- Emily J. White

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Why'd You Give Up On Me So Soon?


How long until it's your fault and not everyone elses?

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Silence

I haven't had a lot to write about these days, I think it's due to the fact I'm reading a very interestng and disturbing novel and I find whenever I'm reading a novel worth thinking about, I put intense time and energy into it, even when the book's not in my hands.
It's about insanity and it takes a very unique and worthwhile spin on the subject which people tend to be so black and white about.
It's almost like, insanity is a defence mechanism (which in most cases it is), and sometimes it's safer for people to have it because without it they'd be even more troubelsome. Of course this isn't with all cases. I don't know, it's one of those things I don't want to go too deeply into, I'm completely over being misunderstood as it is.

I've decided to try and stay low for a while. I think that's best. I'm extremely apprehensive about returning to school. I just know it's going to be harder than I'm ready for and I'm going to probably freak out and spend my breaks in the toilets crying or reading.
I'm so scared. It's amazing what effects people who know nothing about you, can have on you. It's also very sad.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

We're On The Eve Of Destruction

I know it's a cliche, but honestly. Why must we be so destructive?
We destroy the enviroment and inhumanely kill living things for enjoyment. But we don't stop there, we turn and destroy eachother. Is there a limit to our destructiveness?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Obsession.

They say obsession is unhealthy, and I'd have to agree.But what if you want something to become your obsession, to get you to where you want to be?

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Who'd Wanna Be Such An Asshole?

"If God takes life, he's an Indian giver."
"If God controls the land and disease, and keeps a watchful eye on me, if he's really so damn mighty, well my problem is that I can't see, well who'd wanna be? Who'd wanna be such a control freak?"

I keep coming back to these lyrics, they mean a lot to me.




Today was quite eventful, I'm nurchuring an injured finger and a broken soul. The result of a brawl, yes, laugh about it. That's all I can do.

Hmm, a freezing cold bath looks appealing right now.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Full

I disappointed myself today, and somebody important disappointed me. Lose, lose.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Returned

From more things than one lately.
I've returned from my vacation that I left to on Sunday and returned yesterday.
I've returned to having no money to spend for a while.
I've returned to happiness and sadness all at once.
I've returned to 'dieting'.

But, the most exciting return I've made, and also the most dangerous, is I'm back together with my ex-boyfriend.
Right now I don't care to elaborate or explain anything more about this recommencing love, because, although it's not the first time, nor the second time we've dated, we've never fallen out of love for eachother.

I suspect to lose trust and friendships over this, but he makes me happy. Honest to Buddha.
Right now, I'm basking in the unknown and the happiness the unknown ironically is bringing to me.
I'm enjoying taking this humungous leap into the future, because right now the past doesn't mean a thing. Just that the two of us keep running back into eachother, even when we don't want to. Is this my other half? Is this what's supposed to happen...one last time, for ever this time.



I'll tell you.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

This Year I Must...

(Sort of a New Years Resolution)

Hmmm I've never done this before!


- Save Money
- Go to the beach
- Stay Vegan
- Lose weight!!! (size eight)
- Start a hobby (using a full film of disposable camera once a month and developing)
- Read at least a book a week, that's 52 books!
- Grow my hair past my breasts
- Get another piercing and/or tattoo
- Dye my hair a colour I haven't tried before
- Get a massage
- Only eat junk food ocassionally or on special ocassions. ie. sleepovers, birthdays, parties, etc.
- No more eating disorders
- Stay out of hospital
- Finish year 11 to the best of my ability
- Make good friends
- Be more social
- Spend less time on the computer
- Start a journal
- Lie less
- Go out more
- Drink less coffee
- Volunteer somewhere
- Expand my shoe collection
- Buy a leather jacket
- Buy an expensive (perferable chanel or dior) red coat
- Get rid of assholes
- Do all of this, starting right this very second on January 10th, 2010 at 10:43 am.
- Don't look back
- Live in the present moment
- Exercise more
- Feel better about myself
- Invest in something
- Move out
- Make up my mind about a tattoo
- No bitch zone, only to my bestfriend
- Keep my bestfriend and be a better best friend
- Take more pictures
- Learn about something different
- Drink more water
- Keep my room clean-er
- Don't put myself down so much

That's about all for now.
They seem very reasonable and achievable and I'm determined to complete them all!
I'll have to come back and tick off the ones I've completed!

It's Complicated


My relationship status on Facebook is set to 'It's Complicated'.
I'm contemplating whether to change everything, even my interests to 'It's Complicated', because really, isn't everything made complicated these days?

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Good Deed Done

'That's my good deed done for the day'

How often have you heard someone say this after they've done something nice for someone else. A selfless act.
But why must we only do one good deed a day?
To me, saying 'that's my good deed done for the day', sounds like you've finished for the day. You've already done something nice, so you'll continue doing what you were doing now. It's all about yourself now.

Why must we keep track of our good deeds? We should be completing so many that it'd be impossible to keep track of.


So, I here by announce you'll never ever hear me say this again. Sure, I'll take notice of my good deeds and feel good about them, but I'm going to attempt to complete as many as I can in one day, every single day. One just isn't enough.


Friday, January 8, 2010

Stick Your Assumptions Right Up Your

Arse.

It seems assumptions are what make up my life right now. Outsiders thinking they're insiders because they heard a supposed insider's, who is actually an outsider's, so called facts - which are actually illigical and complete crap.
Just because you hear something through the grape vine does not mean it's true. Come on boys and girls, I thought we learnt this in grade 7 when we all started going through puberty and becoming the bitches we are today.
Lay off.
What you've heard it utter bullshit. So don't tell me, 'I know more than you think' because I think you no nothing, and face it, you probably do because all this 'truth' you've heard's come from someone else, not me.

I know this, because the people I have talked to about the 'truth', know they don't know more than I think, because the facts and experiences my mind holds on to are incomprehensible unless you've walked the exact same path. Which you haven't.

So cut the crap.


You don't know nothing so don't say nothing 'cause you'll only be talking out your ass.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Warning: this post is a rant.

Today we were discussing the use of drugs at work. It was between Ben*(my boss) and Jake* (full-time member).
It started when one girl from One Zach came and purchased a drink and Jake said, "I used to think she was nice and good looking before I saw her smoking one day"
I replied with "So, because someone smokes this means they're not a good person, nor attractive?" (Little did Jake know I'm an occasional smoker, thankfully, Ben knew and is a smoker himself)
Jake said, "Yeah, it means they're halfwits."

Somehow we got onto the subject of marijuana and Jake who is three years my senior announced he's never touched it. (Which I'm never ever saying is a bad thing, I think it's a very good thing.)
We got into an argument and pretty much Jake's view was that anyone who smokes or does anything considered wrong by him, are stupid and are half wits who can't be very nice people.
Now, I've been in a spot of trouble these past fews years and I'm the first to admit I've smoked and touched things I maybe shouldn't have. Also, I have friends who're actually drug pushers, or who take heavy drugs weekendly.
Now, these people are some of the smartest people I know and absolutely beautiful people. They've just been through more crap than the average person has and when it all gets too much we do things in order to cope. It's a survival tactic.
And basically, I understand where Jake is coming from, because before these past few years, I used to be exactly the same as him. Close minded and judgemental. I disliked anyone who did drugs or smoked.
You've honestly got to go through something similar to what me and my friends have, it's a real eye opener. It allows you to accept so many things and understand a whole lot more.

I'm just saying, there's usually a reason to everything we do.
I don't believe for one second that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that everything we do, we do for a reason. - From something we've learnt during the past or something else.

It's both sad and exciting to know we don't have as much control over our actions as we like to think we do.

Basically, think instead about WHY people do what they do, instead of always jumping and judging WHAT they're doing.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Three Way

Just because you love someone with everything you have, and they're the only one you have, the one that keeps you breathing, really doesn't make it right. What do you do if you're in love with someone... ...you love someone else...

...and you have an intense sexual desire for another?



Should one follow their heart of their mind more?
I've always been a mind kind of person where my heart got in the way and I was left being dragged along helpless by my beating heart.
But, if I had control I'd choose my mind because I find my mind's much clearer than my heart.
But how could I deny the heart and what the heart tells me to do? I'm killing myself here, and while my heart's exploding, my mind's dying into insanity...
Which do I follow once I'm dead inside?


Monday, January 4, 2010

I Feel Better

Voila, the day finally came when I could get my nose pierced. I've wanted my septum done for a long time, but my amazing friends announced they'd deny me any love and recognition if I went through with it.
Alas, I decided to go with the cliche side of your nostril piercing. I've grown quite fond of it and I'm glad I've gone through with it. Six weeks and I can change it to a ring! How's that for classy?
But oh man, did it hurt a lot. Apparently it's one of the most painful piercings you can get. Of course, they let me know this after it's too late. - Instant tears came streaming down my face. I'm surprised I didn't break my supporting friend's bones in her hand.
I was tossing up between a blue stud (to match my eyes), or a red stud because red's sophisticated and classy. The guy doing it suggested red, so red it is for now! He was extremely nice which made things easier. But, constantly telling me how gorgeous he thought I was and apprently not being able to get over it. All in good ego though. We all need compliments from random strangers of the opposite gender now and again.

Hmm, here are some pictures, I'll upload more tomorrow. I would now, but my computer's decided to have a fit and now allow anymore picture uploads. Thanks lousy, but also loyal and beloved laptop of mine. Oh how I love our love/hate (but mostly love), relationship.




Apparently, it's not 'cool' for bloggers to appear in pictures on their blogs. I somewhat agree. It takes away the mystery, but hey, it's a goddamn blog and it's not like it would ever stop me reading other people's posts religiously, and sometimes (at least i'm honest), creepily following their every post!
I'm going to make this a long one, and one you can all cipher (unless you're an ignorant fuckkettle). Let's just put it down to the fact I'm in a fairly decent mood, which is quite irregular for me.
Why am I in such a groovy (wow, i must really be in a good mood if i'm using the word groovy) mood? Well, next Sunday I am flying to Sydney for a vacation on my own and I'm THAT excited. Seriously, my week will be mighty fine as I'll just be looking to the future. I have no worries about my vacation to Sydney, other than the problem all fashionable and respectable girls share when packing is involved...What to pack?!
When people ask if I'm in a relationship, I answer "Yes, with my wardrobe and any guy that wants to be apart of my life will consistently have to compete for my affection with my floral dresses, impractical flats you may find in a 1950s Disney movie, my killer heels (and by killer, i do mean they could very well be the death of me), any vintage items I have the money and oppurtunity to purchase, my thrift store second hand lovers and my beloved versatile shirt dresses which never give me a hard time!"
Unfortunately, I don't really answer with that as I don't think any of my friends would allow me to dribble on for such a length or time and I may just receive weird stares which cause me to feel insecure.
But yes, in conclusion, Sydney will be amazing and a great way to start 2010.
Speaking of the beginning of 2010, the new year, the new decade and for me 'a whole new start'. It really hasn't been all giggles, smiles and dreams. It's been quite awful really, but I'm allowing my already wacked up mind, to wack up even more by deciding to begin my 2010 as of now. The 4th of January. Anything before now was 2009, I don't care what the calanders say. It's my year, I choose when it's 2o10, not some intelligent scientist whose worked out the ways of the sun and universe and whatnot.
I've began a love affair with anklets. I never used to like them, but they stole my heart with their unique and personal ways.
Also, bracelets, but not bangles that dangle and fangle around by making noises and sliding around all over the place making you seriously consider grabbing a chainsaw and chopping off your wrists. I'm in the process of making a bracelet out of cotton which we learnt how to do in hospital.
They're really quite flattering and if you choose wisely with your colours, it can really steal your heart away.
I know I'm backtracking here, but back to my amazing mood. It was so amazing I danced around the house half naked for most of the day. That mean, I had to get off my arse and actually move! I never ever do anything physical, unless of course it involves the opposite sex.
Anyway, I get a haircut tomorrow and as I'm trying to grow my hair I'm afraid I'll come back and won't like the length and may just cry. :(
By the way readers, GO VEGAN.


Sunday, January 3, 2010

Useless

Love; can love save me?
Trust; does anyone trust me anymore. Do I trust myself? Do I trust anyone?
Hate; do they hate me? Do I hate them?
Guilt; i did wrong. I know I did, they know I did. But doesn't my condition excuse that? Does it?


Not even a photograph can explain how I'm feeling right now.

Friday, January 1, 2010