Thursday, May 6, 2010

I Won't Live This Long

If I live long enough, I can see myself living in solitude with my dog, a woodfire, a library of books and no contact with the outside world.
If I have a husband we will only speak of important things and we'll make love every day. We'd die together and read the same books. Music would be playing every second of everyday and we'd only sleep at the same time.
We'd only eat when we needed to and we'd share eachother's clothes.

If I don't have a husband, I will never speak a word of anything. I will paint, sit still for hours staring into the fire and leave behind a journal which would be read by the world.

Monday, April 19, 2010

What Is Wrong With Me?

It just hit me how undeniably afraid I am of change.
My father bought me the wrong soy milk and I cried.

What Makes Us, Us?


What shapes us most?
Oh, the huge debate about what makes us, well, us.

Our genetics? We cannot help who we become and who we are because it's enlisted in our DNA.
Our enviroment? How we're brought up, what we see and what we hear.
Or, our experiences? What we experience and what we take out of them and respond with.

I personally think it's a mixture of all three of these. I don't think you can pin-point one exact cause.

Genetics, we're born with things that cannot be helped. These are both physical and mental. You see it families all the time and I was reading an article the other day about a model who's just had children. She used to believe it was your enviorment, now she solely believes it's your genetics because she has observed her children.

Enviroment, we see it all the time. Compare other countries to your own. Religions, way of life, dos and don't are all influenced by how you're brought up.

Experience, now this one's a bit harder for me to explain. It's like with trust. People who are raped or have bad relationships with their fathers (girls particularly), change because of it. Their life changes and it happens in all different ways, there's no denying it.

I don't think there's any enying any of it.

So, can people really 'change'? Or is it genetic or enforced into you and you cannot change, maybe only temporary?

I've been thinking about it recently, can people change? I used to think, yes yes yes! Of course.
But, maybe not? Now I'm reluctant in giving a straight out answer to it. I'm not too sure.


Sorry this is such a sporadic ramble, my head's in a foggy rage right now.

ox

Friday, April 16, 2010

I'm Lacking Thought

And inspiration.
Well, I wouldn't say I'm lacking thoughts, just thoughts I cannot share.
Song lyrics fix everything though.

And there are no barking sparrows
Just emptiness to dwell upon
I fell into a winter slide
And ended up the kind of kid
Who goes down Chutes Too Narrow

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Advice From A Manic

1. Don't pick your nose in your car, people can see you!

2. To avoid looking like a complete spastic, don't talk about things you don't know about. People will think you're just stupid if you do. Anyway, you'll look way cooler if you ask questions about things. Yes, this includes people, sex, coco chanel and life.

3. If you feel strongly about something, and someone else feels strongly about the opposite - avoid this topic. You will argue and you will not change their view on the subject, just like they won't change yours.

4. When there's someone or something in your life causing you stress - eliminate it. And, if you can't because they're family, completely good looking or someone you just have to put up with, then confront them and let them know you think your life would be better if you didn't communicate.

5. If they say they're going to call and they don't, smack those bitches up.

6. Don't worry about what different colours are supposed to mean when giving flowers! Choose what you think they'd like but remember to always check for bugs.

7. Start your own blog. You might be worried that you don't have anything important to say or that no one will want to read it, but honestly, we've all got something important to say and there's always someone who will want to know what you've got to say, yes you! And if not, you can always force your friends to read it, yes force. If you have no friends, I recommend viewing your own blog at least a hundred times a day to maximise your own page views.

8. Use a condom and don't lie about being on the pill. Hell, use two even! The pull out method is not as effective as condoms, and they're not even very effective! No, they're not - ask your doctor.

9. Swearing is not attractive, yes, this applies to males too. In saying this, don't be so uptight about words like 'fuck' and 'cunt', they're just words. However, if they're directed at you in an offensive manner, you can go biserk - otherwise, move on.

10. Although times-they-are-a-changing, something's still remain the same. Like, mystery still remains sexy so don't reveal absolutely everything to anyone. I repeat, to anyone. It's not lying, it's being mysterious. You know what is dead though? Racism and sexism. Yes, that's dead. Neither are cool.

11. Love yourself, especially your body because it's a lot more attractive when people are confident. But not too confident, that disgusts people.

12. Stand up for yourself! You'll feel good about it, earn others respect an get things off your troubled mind.

13. Do what you love and set your priorities straight. Boys, is it really worth watching that sporting match tonight and ignoring your girlfriend again? Same goes to you girls, is it worth spending hours on the phone again in risk of loosing your boyfriend?

14. Shave your legs this winter, girlies!

15. Eat more chocolate. It makes you happy, it tastes good and you deserve it. Besides, if you don't you'll have ten times more tomorrow.

16. Learn to say 'hello' in five different languages.

17. Don't count your friends, just remember their names.

18. Know your favourites things - colour, movie, song, season, holiday - so when asked you can have an answer instead of the boring "Uhh, I don't know".

19. Go out without looking in the mirror, just once.

20. You know what's cool this year? Caring about and saving the enviroment! Do it!

21. Forget about your problems for a bit and ring a troubled friend. They deserve it.

22. Use your manners because manners will never be dead.

23. Money doesn't need to be spent to have a good time.

24. Do something creative. Like an inspiration wall, a painting, photography or writing.

25. Garage sales get rid of your old junk and become someone elses treasures. Plus, you could earn money and you're reusing!

Okay Okay

Yes, I have mental illnesses and yes I take lots of medications.
But, to point this out and use it against me? That's just plain low.
You don't know my story, you don't even know 1/5 of it, so shut your trap because you're just talking out your arse.

For the record readers, I don't think highly of myself, I actually hate myself more than you ever could but watch what you say about it because it's disgusting and pathetic people like you who cause very negative things for others, and not just myself.
You're obviously the one with insecurities being so low like you are, speaking continiously about how I'm this and this and I need this and I'm a mental case (which I am but it's disgusting you point this out so regularly as you have no idea why and it's just completely ignorant and inconsiderate NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU HATE ME!)

And yes, people like me will live alone in this world because people like you have so much stigma attatched to people like me. Which isn't my fault, it's yours.
I actually happen to know some of the most amazing and incomprehensible beings to roam this earth, so shut your gab.

You say I'm too judgemental, when all you do is talk talk talk about everyone else. I'm actually the LEAST judgemental person you'll ever know.
I just hate you because you hate me and you talk shit shit shit and eventually it'll make people hate you. Because I already know soo many people who do, but say they're afraid to say something because you take away important people from them and I'm going to say it, you're intimidating, which is sad. You make people afraid of you. That's so horrible.

Again,
"You serious issues in your head, you need stronger pills" saying this is just horrible. I'm unfixable if you must know and it's not my fault AT ALL so you're pathetic saying anything along these lines when you know nothing.
I thought people had learnt at our age, you know, gained enough life experience to know that you shouldn't talk in-depth about things you have no idea about. It's just common sense, but it seems, common sense is not so common.

You say this is a game. Are you having fun? Because this isn't a game to me. Especially when I have to try to decipher your hideous spelling and grammar. It's just plain hard work and tiresome. You just sit with a dictionary besides you, pleaaassseeee.

You just won? That's good for you, so can you please shut your disgusting face and move on? You've left this town, now leave it's people because we have negativity towards you, and I know this for a fact.
Oh, and if you're going to be pathetic and bounce back with 'no one likes you either', I know. :)
Now run along.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

It Really Bugs Me....

- When you read something and you think it's about you, but you're not sure.
- When your best guy mates get a girlfriend who becomes jealous, thus causing you to tone down/or ruin your friendship which is a perfectly friendly relationship with no desires to touch one another's body.
- When boys get whipped.
- When people try to sound smart and make out they're the best at english and read all the time and whatnot, but they're spelling and logic is unbearable.
- When ugly people think they're hot.
- When you're about to die and no one says anything because they're too afraid.
- When fat bitches date my bestfriends.
- That I'm not eighteen.
- That I'm not allowed to move out according to the police and doctors.
- When people only know bits and pieces of who I am, thus leaving a huge unfilled gap of important things.
- When people think they're right, but they're wrong
- When people argue and try to make points, which make absolutely no sense, but they insist they've won.
- That religion has got the best of people.
- That chocolate tastes soo good.
- That we only have one bathroom and I never have a chance to have a bath, only quick showers.
- That I have no desire to do what I used to love doing.
- That my boyfriend has two lives.
- That I've cut off friendships with people and I know they'll never be the same again.
- That I have to keep so many things from people, for their sake.
- That people are oblivious to so many awful things going on.
- That my iPod restored itself.
- That plane tickets are so expensive right now.
- That bad things happen to good people.
- That I can't play an instrument.

Don't Move An Inch


Slow down, Jo
Anybody ever tell you that you move too fast?
Anybody ever tell you how to make a good thing last?
Cuz it aint like that....

It aint by kicking down the walls & pissing off your friends
Every time the cards don't fall your way
It aint by poking out your eyes when you see something you don't like
Even your mama said she don't want to see you spent at 25
So come on, Jo stay alive....

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Catcher

There's a little Holden Caulfield in all of us

Monday, April 12, 2010

HELP

ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS SKIPPING SCHOOL TOMORROW AND JUMPING IN FRONT OF CARS

Always Like This

Oh she can't wait for
What I can give
She knows what I am
But she won't believe me
Is it all ok?

Your Blog Is So Shit

I was reading people's blogs today and my goodness, shut the fuck up.
Why do you have a blog anyway? You drive me insane.

By the way, if you're going to try and sound smart and poetical, can you please learn to spell first?

Sunday, April 11, 2010

I'm Happiest When I Think Of Dying

Death can't be that bad if so many people choose it, can it?

I'm afraid of dying, I'm just more afraid of living and of life.

No Title.

I need to tell my father something but I don't know how so I thought I'd tell my blog instead...

Saturday, April 10, 2010

You Help Things Die

I thought of deleting my last post. It was an impulsive act. It's personal and the idea is full of stigma and negativity. But so what?
It's real. It's what I felt at the time and consistently feel these days. Why should I pretend it's not? Because people will think bad of me? Why? They don't understand, and they know they don't.

We hide away from the truth too much. Horrible things happen to people, innocent people. Believe what you want, but Karma's non existant.
Google suicide. Research malnutrition. Look up slaughterhouses, insane asylums, war, genocides and rape.
It exists. You can believe whatever you like as to why it happens, and I can't make you do something about it, but know. It happens.



No picture is required here, these words say more than any picture could.

Friday, April 9, 2010

I'm Not Afraid

For the first time in a long time, I'm not afraid to say that I want to die.

I no longer want any friends.
I no longer want to try.
I no longer want to eat.
I no longer want to be kind.
I no longer want to pretend.
I no longer want to communicate.

I just want to die.
I will die.

We Can't All Be Set Free

Have you ever heard someone tell you, that if you love something enough you should let it go? To set it free?
Well, I think those people are naive. There, I said it. You're ignorant if you think this always applies.

Sometimes, it's not about letting the one you love go. Sometimes, it's about not letting them go, even if they want to. Sometimes, people get lost and they don't know where to go, who to be or what to believe. Sometimes, people are an inconspicuous war; mind vs. heart.
If you let these people go, they won't come back. They may never be able to come back. Sometimes they'll just get more lost and continue travelling down the path towards 'Too Far Gone'.

Sometimes, freedom doesn't exist for everyone.

Let the one you love, know you love them.
Sometimes, in order to head in the right direction, the lost people need the not-so-lost people, to guide them home. Wherever that may be...

Thursday, April 8, 2010

You Call Yourself Religious

...yet you still eat the rotting corpses of innocent souls?

It annoys me when religious folk eat creatures with a face.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I Want To Stop Thinking About Tomorrow


And breathe in this exact moment instead.

In hospital I had to attend a lot of classes which focused on a thing called 'mindfulness'. Mindfulness is basically allowing yourself to live in the here and now. To just push aside all other little problems, and think about this exact moment.
It's something I wish to try again. I've got so caught up in the past and the future that I've forgotten just how useful this tool can be.

I worry about events which are happening months, sometimes even years, down the track. Hell, I could be dead by then. What's the use in worrying about the future?

I know the past makes up a lot of who we are, but I can't change it. If I choose to think about it, why focus on the negatives? The past is something we should learn from, not dwell on.

I no longer see the point in worrying about something I have no control over. I shall get my booklets out and my meditation cd's and practise mindfulness again.

I think you should too.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

I've Had A Reoccuring Thought





Whenever I'm on my laptop, I'm searching through thousands of images. These images range anywhere from murder, animals, landscapes and cute little graphics. The ones I stop and stare at, all get me thinking.
I've discovered many stories through these images and thought many thoughts.

I was looking at images of my three favourite animals recently.
They are jellyfish, deer and penguins. It got me wondering, why are these my favourite animals? Thankfully, I came up with an answer.
Jellyfish, because they're so beautiful. They're elegant, luminous and graceful. They live under the ocean and the ocean's always intruiged me as we know so little about it. But also, the jellyfish may be beautiful, but that's it's weapon. It's beauty lures you in and then it bites.
Deer, I don't know much about them, but when I think of deer imagine them as people. As people, I imagine them to be someone I'd envy. I think they'd be beautiful, quiet, peaceful, smart, polite and graceful.
Penguins, other than the fact they're simply charming, penguins are romantics. They stick to one partner for their whole lives.

So, that's why theyre my three favourite animals. But, there's more to this thought.
I got thinking about my favourite idols.
They are, Michael Jackson and Lindsay Lohan. I know, they're strange but that's the way I like it.
Why are they my idols/inspiration?
Michael Jackson lived such an interesting life. He was always in the spotlight, usually for negative things. He's been accused of so much, things I don't think I need to write. But, I honestly don't think he's guilty. I believe his past has made him vulnerable and his mental state has made him do crazy things, but not immoral things.
Lindsay Lohan has been in showbiz since childhood. She's been on drugs, suffered various eating disorders and dated a woman, although she denies a lot of this. Linsay went from being a full figured redhead, to a sickly thin blonde. She's been in rehab and been caught by the papparazzi a million and one times doing things that have caused a lot of crap. I support her because I believe she's not a bad person, that a lot of people would go the same way as her if they were in the same position.

Anyway, I've been a bit of track and it's really hard to explain. But, I basically think these things all intruige me because I don't know about them, or they have something I don't have.
Penguins have eternal love. Jellyfish have beauty but are complete bitches.
Michael and Lindsay had it all but they went off the rails. Deer have everything, but do they really?

Anyway, basically, without really explaining myself well. I believe we envy/love/idolise/want things because we don't understand them. Because we think they have something we don't, or we want to know what makes them different. When really, we're all the same.

People fall in love with someone because they see something that they want to know more about, then they find that and they fall out of love. That thing wasn't as good close up as it was from afar.

We envy people because we think they're better off then us. When really, they're live's are as bad as ours, just in different ways.

We idolise people because they seem to have it all, things we don't have. When really, they're probably lonely and without a family and theirlives are wacked.



We fear the unknown, when yet, there's beauty in the unknown. Maybe this means our future's looking good?










Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Look Closely, Slow It Down

No, really. Slow it down completely.

It's true when they say we are all in a big rush. I know I am.
Even though I sit down on my behind all day, searching blogs, drinking coffee and wasting valuable resources - such as water.
I thought my life was slow enough, and maybe it is. But my mind? No, my mind's constantly racing. Even when I'm not aware.

My insomnia decided to be a nuisance last night and kept me up, so you know what I did? I searched cute blogs all night. I found some pretty adorable things that made me feel warm and fuzzy, which is always a good thing. I thought I'd been paying close attention, just taking my time, until today when I revisted the ones I'd bookmarked.
I thought I'd bookmarked them on the page I was up to, but I hadn't. My bookmarking didn't work. You know what though? I didn't even realise until after a while. I found myself sitting in awe at a lot of images, images that made me think to myself "I've never seen something so beautiful".
But I had. In fact, I'd seen them all the night before but either, for some reason because of my downright shitty mood I was in, they didn't seem so beautiful to me. Or, my mind was just racing.
I think it's a combination of both. Without even realising, I had skipped over some breathtaking photographs!
It made me wonder, how often am I sidetracked?! Is it my mood?
If I was in a really depressed mood today, would I have not liked any single one of these photographs?
I don't know.




Watch this.


link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJG698U2Mvo

Something we did in our psychology class.

Are we ever fully here?

Jenny Sinkaberg





You so sexy! She's a new face and I hope she goes really well in her career, because honestly, she's gorgeous!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The 411

Yes, I do have a new blog
http://befriendoblivion.blogspot.com/

but, i shall still be using this one too. However, my new blog will be updated almost daily, it is within a purpose. The concept of my other blog will not "work" if it is not updated regularly.

Both are for my twisted thoughts, however both are for different kinds.
See if you can decipher their meanings.

PLEASE FOLLOW ME ON BOTH!

Xxox

Monday, March 29, 2010

Watch Out For The Assholes?


How about avoiding them altogether?
I plan on making curling up and dreaming my constant reality. My bed and I will soon be bestfriends.

I may even stop eating and disappear in the meantime? If only my willpower were so strong.

Monday, March 22, 2010

I Hate Myself

So much today, tomorrow and this week

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I Played It Safe

daring adjective
2.bold or courageous; fearless or intrepid; adventurous

To be daring used to involve jumping from the topmost diving board, being the first out of your friends to test something, it was wearing that jumper your aunty bought for you. To be daring used to be safe.

Today, I'm being daring in whole new way. Everyday I accomplish something daring. That something, is to wake up and breathe. This daring is unknown, this daring is not safe.

To be daring is not how it used to be.

Monday, March 15, 2010

I'm Not Anyone

I'm not even someone.

Because if I won't be strong
I won't be anyone

Because if I don't be strong
I won't be remembered as someone

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Gone

And no one can save you now
Unless you have friends among fish
There’ll still be no air to breathe
You could drink up the entire ocean
We’ll still find someone to be everything we know that you’ll never be

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

R.I.P.

Why must the good take their lives when the bad make them do it?

Monday, March 8, 2010

Days Spent

I spend my days looking at art.
I spend my days pretending to complete homework, or thinking up excuses for why it's not done.
I spend my days regretting my last decision.
I spend my days eating crappy food because I'm over caring.
I spend my days getting closer to my death.
I spend my days wishing I was anyone but me.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Lust Turns Your Mind To Dust

My crushes become obsessions, my heart leads the way as my mind becomes side tracked.
I cannot help but act like a pathetic crusher, I have but no control over my lust, my desire.
You control every thought and every action, won't you even learn my interests?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

It's Good To Cry


I used to think to cry was the worst emotion a human could express.
To think of crying, meant to think of intense misery.
Now I know, crying's just the tip of the iceberg and sometimes, we hurt so much that we can't even cry...not even if we want to.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Isndkxjnvfkgjf

I know it's wrong to drown your sorrows, but at least I'm trying something.

Monday, February 15, 2010

My Love Is Innit

I want to laugh until my stomach aches and I cry tears of joy. Sweet sweet tears of joy.
I feel that happy.

I want to cry, until my sorrow leaves my soul and I am just a being of nothingness. I want my black interior to appear.
I feel that unhappy.



How can it be that the most powerful thing, which is love, can be the most beautiful and most destructive power on earth?

Bowl Cuts

I don't care what anyone says, bowl cuts are hot!

Bushy eyebrows are not.

Red lipstick will always be hot.
Leggings matched with maternity tops will not.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Past

Sometimes returning to the past, is the best way to get to the future.

Sometimes going backward, is the best way to move forward.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

I Take That Back

I take back what I said yesterday about people not changing.
Some people do change. It's not a simple thing of good and bad, some people just have the ability to change, while some, their changes are only temporary.
It all comes down to genetics, experiences and psychology.

To be honest, life isn't fair. We don't even get to choose our own names. The word we're identified with for our whole lives. We don't get to choose our genetics - which, unfortunately actually play a hugely significant part in who we are and who we become, and also how we deal with things.
Bad things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people. Wait, is there such thing as a bad person? Or just an unlucky human with shitty genetics he didn't get a say in, and shitty experiences he may not have dealt with the way we 'should'.
Whatever, this place is a mess. We refer to it as earth and other fancy things, but bottom-line is, it'd be better off not being real.
Unless, this all isn't real anyway?

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Thoughts

Posts will be less frequent for various reasons.
I have too much on my mind
School's started up again, first time in a year
Things are getting worse



Returning back to school has made me realise a lot of things.
People don't change, not completely
I don't give a crap anymore
I'm intolerable
I'm mature beyond my years
I need better organisation skills
School played a big part in my breakdown.


Sorry this was so listy.
I really do have a lot to think about.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Overwhelming

I just got an overwhelming feeling of contentness.

I am going to change who I am. I am going to stop trying to be anyone but me.
I am me, I am going to be happy with just me.

I don't need others to complete me, they're just added bonuses to help me be even more happy.
I am independent. I am going to be someone I'm proud to be.

I may not be skinny, so what, I have amazing eyes.
I may not be super smart at school, so what, I know more about life than anyone I know.
I may not be rich, so what, I work hard for what I have.
I may have a million problems which get in the way, so what, I've been through more than anyone I know.
I may not have many friends, so what, they don't know me and they're ignorant.


If I can't be happy with how the world is, and how most people are these days, I can at least try my hardest to be happy with myself and my close friends.


I Will Stay Strong.

Real World

Please don't change, please don't break
The only thing that seems to work at all is you

Monday, January 25, 2010

Wild Tigers I Have Known

Silence is a power and a tool,
For you, for you

You keep your heart from your chest,
It'll be gone just like the rest.

Say all the right words,
And hold your heart from your chest.

There will be wise men,
singing, bringing you luck
Now, there will be wise men,
singing, bringing you luck
Now there will be wise men,
singing, bringing you luck
Bringing you love.
- Emily J. White

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Why'd You Give Up On Me So Soon?


How long until it's your fault and not everyone elses?

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Silence

I haven't had a lot to write about these days, I think it's due to the fact I'm reading a very interestng and disturbing novel and I find whenever I'm reading a novel worth thinking about, I put intense time and energy into it, even when the book's not in my hands.
It's about insanity and it takes a very unique and worthwhile spin on the subject which people tend to be so black and white about.
It's almost like, insanity is a defence mechanism (which in most cases it is), and sometimes it's safer for people to have it because without it they'd be even more troubelsome. Of course this isn't with all cases. I don't know, it's one of those things I don't want to go too deeply into, I'm completely over being misunderstood as it is.

I've decided to try and stay low for a while. I think that's best. I'm extremely apprehensive about returning to school. I just know it's going to be harder than I'm ready for and I'm going to probably freak out and spend my breaks in the toilets crying or reading.
I'm so scared. It's amazing what effects people who know nothing about you, can have on you. It's also very sad.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

We're On The Eve Of Destruction

I know it's a cliche, but honestly. Why must we be so destructive?
We destroy the enviroment and inhumanely kill living things for enjoyment. But we don't stop there, we turn and destroy eachother. Is there a limit to our destructiveness?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Obsession.

They say obsession is unhealthy, and I'd have to agree.But what if you want something to become your obsession, to get you to where you want to be?

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Who'd Wanna Be Such An Asshole?

"If God takes life, he's an Indian giver."
"If God controls the land and disease, and keeps a watchful eye on me, if he's really so damn mighty, well my problem is that I can't see, well who'd wanna be? Who'd wanna be such a control freak?"

I keep coming back to these lyrics, they mean a lot to me.




Today was quite eventful, I'm nurchuring an injured finger and a broken soul. The result of a brawl, yes, laugh about it. That's all I can do.

Hmm, a freezing cold bath looks appealing right now.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Full

I disappointed myself today, and somebody important disappointed me. Lose, lose.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Returned

From more things than one lately.
I've returned from my vacation that I left to on Sunday and returned yesterday.
I've returned to having no money to spend for a while.
I've returned to happiness and sadness all at once.
I've returned to 'dieting'.

But, the most exciting return I've made, and also the most dangerous, is I'm back together with my ex-boyfriend.
Right now I don't care to elaborate or explain anything more about this recommencing love, because, although it's not the first time, nor the second time we've dated, we've never fallen out of love for eachother.

I suspect to lose trust and friendships over this, but he makes me happy. Honest to Buddha.
Right now, I'm basking in the unknown and the happiness the unknown ironically is bringing to me.
I'm enjoying taking this humungous leap into the future, because right now the past doesn't mean a thing. Just that the two of us keep running back into eachother, even when we don't want to. Is this my other half? Is this what's supposed to happen...one last time, for ever this time.



I'll tell you.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

This Year I Must...

(Sort of a New Years Resolution)

Hmmm I've never done this before!


- Save Money
- Go to the beach
- Stay Vegan
- Lose weight!!! (size eight)
- Start a hobby (using a full film of disposable camera once a month and developing)
- Read at least a book a week, that's 52 books!
- Grow my hair past my breasts
- Get another piercing and/or tattoo
- Dye my hair a colour I haven't tried before
- Get a massage
- Only eat junk food ocassionally or on special ocassions. ie. sleepovers, birthdays, parties, etc.
- No more eating disorders
- Stay out of hospital
- Finish year 11 to the best of my ability
- Make good friends
- Be more social
- Spend less time on the computer
- Start a journal
- Lie less
- Go out more
- Drink less coffee
- Volunteer somewhere
- Expand my shoe collection
- Buy a leather jacket
- Buy an expensive (perferable chanel or dior) red coat
- Get rid of assholes
- Do all of this, starting right this very second on January 10th, 2010 at 10:43 am.
- Don't look back
- Live in the present moment
- Exercise more
- Feel better about myself
- Invest in something
- Move out
- Make up my mind about a tattoo
- No bitch zone, only to my bestfriend
- Keep my bestfriend and be a better best friend
- Take more pictures
- Learn about something different
- Drink more water
- Keep my room clean-er
- Don't put myself down so much

That's about all for now.
They seem very reasonable and achievable and I'm determined to complete them all!
I'll have to come back and tick off the ones I've completed!

It's Complicated


My relationship status on Facebook is set to 'It's Complicated'.
I'm contemplating whether to change everything, even my interests to 'It's Complicated', because really, isn't everything made complicated these days?

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Good Deed Done

'That's my good deed done for the day'

How often have you heard someone say this after they've done something nice for someone else. A selfless act.
But why must we only do one good deed a day?
To me, saying 'that's my good deed done for the day', sounds like you've finished for the day. You've already done something nice, so you'll continue doing what you were doing now. It's all about yourself now.

Why must we keep track of our good deeds? We should be completing so many that it'd be impossible to keep track of.


So, I here by announce you'll never ever hear me say this again. Sure, I'll take notice of my good deeds and feel good about them, but I'm going to attempt to complete as many as I can in one day, every single day. One just isn't enough.


Friday, January 8, 2010

Stick Your Assumptions Right Up Your

Arse.

It seems assumptions are what make up my life right now. Outsiders thinking they're insiders because they heard a supposed insider's, who is actually an outsider's, so called facts - which are actually illigical and complete crap.
Just because you hear something through the grape vine does not mean it's true. Come on boys and girls, I thought we learnt this in grade 7 when we all started going through puberty and becoming the bitches we are today.
Lay off.
What you've heard it utter bullshit. So don't tell me, 'I know more than you think' because I think you no nothing, and face it, you probably do because all this 'truth' you've heard's come from someone else, not me.

I know this, because the people I have talked to about the 'truth', know they don't know more than I think, because the facts and experiences my mind holds on to are incomprehensible unless you've walked the exact same path. Which you haven't.

So cut the crap.


You don't know nothing so don't say nothing 'cause you'll only be talking out your ass.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Warning: this post is a rant.

Today we were discussing the use of drugs at work. It was between Ben*(my boss) and Jake* (full-time member).
It started when one girl from One Zach came and purchased a drink and Jake said, "I used to think she was nice and good looking before I saw her smoking one day"
I replied with "So, because someone smokes this means they're not a good person, nor attractive?" (Little did Jake know I'm an occasional smoker, thankfully, Ben knew and is a smoker himself)
Jake said, "Yeah, it means they're halfwits."

Somehow we got onto the subject of marijuana and Jake who is three years my senior announced he's never touched it. (Which I'm never ever saying is a bad thing, I think it's a very good thing.)
We got into an argument and pretty much Jake's view was that anyone who smokes or does anything considered wrong by him, are stupid and are half wits who can't be very nice people.
Now, I've been in a spot of trouble these past fews years and I'm the first to admit I've smoked and touched things I maybe shouldn't have. Also, I have friends who're actually drug pushers, or who take heavy drugs weekendly.
Now, these people are some of the smartest people I know and absolutely beautiful people. They've just been through more crap than the average person has and when it all gets too much we do things in order to cope. It's a survival tactic.
And basically, I understand where Jake is coming from, because before these past few years, I used to be exactly the same as him. Close minded and judgemental. I disliked anyone who did drugs or smoked.
You've honestly got to go through something similar to what me and my friends have, it's a real eye opener. It allows you to accept so many things and understand a whole lot more.

I'm just saying, there's usually a reason to everything we do.
I don't believe for one second that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that everything we do, we do for a reason. - From something we've learnt during the past or something else.

It's both sad and exciting to know we don't have as much control over our actions as we like to think we do.

Basically, think instead about WHY people do what they do, instead of always jumping and judging WHAT they're doing.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Three Way

Just because you love someone with everything you have, and they're the only one you have, the one that keeps you breathing, really doesn't make it right. What do you do if you're in love with someone... ...you love someone else...

...and you have an intense sexual desire for another?



Should one follow their heart of their mind more?
I've always been a mind kind of person where my heart got in the way and I was left being dragged along helpless by my beating heart.
But, if I had control I'd choose my mind because I find my mind's much clearer than my heart.
But how could I deny the heart and what the heart tells me to do? I'm killing myself here, and while my heart's exploding, my mind's dying into insanity...
Which do I follow once I'm dead inside?


Monday, January 4, 2010

I Feel Better

Voila, the day finally came when I could get my nose pierced. I've wanted my septum done for a long time, but my amazing friends announced they'd deny me any love and recognition if I went through with it.
Alas, I decided to go with the cliche side of your nostril piercing. I've grown quite fond of it and I'm glad I've gone through with it. Six weeks and I can change it to a ring! How's that for classy?
But oh man, did it hurt a lot. Apparently it's one of the most painful piercings you can get. Of course, they let me know this after it's too late. - Instant tears came streaming down my face. I'm surprised I didn't break my supporting friend's bones in her hand.
I was tossing up between a blue stud (to match my eyes), or a red stud because red's sophisticated and classy. The guy doing it suggested red, so red it is for now! He was extremely nice which made things easier. But, constantly telling me how gorgeous he thought I was and apprently not being able to get over it. All in good ego though. We all need compliments from random strangers of the opposite gender now and again.

Hmm, here are some pictures, I'll upload more tomorrow. I would now, but my computer's decided to have a fit and now allow anymore picture uploads. Thanks lousy, but also loyal and beloved laptop of mine. Oh how I love our love/hate (but mostly love), relationship.




Apparently, it's not 'cool' for bloggers to appear in pictures on their blogs. I somewhat agree. It takes away the mystery, but hey, it's a goddamn blog and it's not like it would ever stop me reading other people's posts religiously, and sometimes (at least i'm honest), creepily following their every post!
I'm going to make this a long one, and one you can all cipher (unless you're an ignorant fuckkettle). Let's just put it down to the fact I'm in a fairly decent mood, which is quite irregular for me.
Why am I in such a groovy (wow, i must really be in a good mood if i'm using the word groovy) mood? Well, next Sunday I am flying to Sydney for a vacation on my own and I'm THAT excited. Seriously, my week will be mighty fine as I'll just be looking to the future. I have no worries about my vacation to Sydney, other than the problem all fashionable and respectable girls share when packing is involved...What to pack?!
When people ask if I'm in a relationship, I answer "Yes, with my wardrobe and any guy that wants to be apart of my life will consistently have to compete for my affection with my floral dresses, impractical flats you may find in a 1950s Disney movie, my killer heels (and by killer, i do mean they could very well be the death of me), any vintage items I have the money and oppurtunity to purchase, my thrift store second hand lovers and my beloved versatile shirt dresses which never give me a hard time!"
Unfortunately, I don't really answer with that as I don't think any of my friends would allow me to dribble on for such a length or time and I may just receive weird stares which cause me to feel insecure.
But yes, in conclusion, Sydney will be amazing and a great way to start 2010.
Speaking of the beginning of 2010, the new year, the new decade and for me 'a whole new start'. It really hasn't been all giggles, smiles and dreams. It's been quite awful really, but I'm allowing my already wacked up mind, to wack up even more by deciding to begin my 2010 as of now. The 4th of January. Anything before now was 2009, I don't care what the calanders say. It's my year, I choose when it's 2o10, not some intelligent scientist whose worked out the ways of the sun and universe and whatnot.
I've began a love affair with anklets. I never used to like them, but they stole my heart with their unique and personal ways.
Also, bracelets, but not bangles that dangle and fangle around by making noises and sliding around all over the place making you seriously consider grabbing a chainsaw and chopping off your wrists. I'm in the process of making a bracelet out of cotton which we learnt how to do in hospital.
They're really quite flattering and if you choose wisely with your colours, it can really steal your heart away.
I know I'm backtracking here, but back to my amazing mood. It was so amazing I danced around the house half naked for most of the day. That mean, I had to get off my arse and actually move! I never ever do anything physical, unless of course it involves the opposite sex.
Anyway, I get a haircut tomorrow and as I'm trying to grow my hair I'm afraid I'll come back and won't like the length and may just cry. :(
By the way readers, GO VEGAN.


Sunday, January 3, 2010

Useless

Love; can love save me?
Trust; does anyone trust me anymore. Do I trust myself? Do I trust anyone?
Hate; do they hate me? Do I hate them?
Guilt; i did wrong. I know I did, they know I did. But doesn't my condition excuse that? Does it?


Not even a photograph can explain how I'm feeling right now.

Friday, January 1, 2010