I feel dirty but so clean and rejuvenated. I feel like I'm being used. I feel like I'm using them. I fear I'm falling. I know I can't love. This makes me smile. This makes me cry, as you've seen. It makes me feel safe. It makes me feel vulnerable.
I have control for once, with something I want no control over.
Ever had someone tell you that it's best to live in the moment. To live in the here and now, forget about the past and don't plan for the future? Ever had someone tell you this almost every day? I have.
Sure, it makes sense and it sounds easy enough. It sounds like a good plan if you want to better your life. But what if your past has scarred you so much, has altered you into the fearful and broken human being you are? What then. What if, you try with every little thing you have, you really goddamn truly fucking try to forget the hurt, but it's encripted into your being, into your soul. Your past is who you are today, a fearful and broken human being. What if, not having some control frightens you half to what's left to die? You've no control with what happens in the future, sure. But you have the power to guide it. It may not always work out the way you want, but you can guide it. What if, guiding your future into something more appealing than your past, is something you cannot help? Something you must do to keep you here, to keep you sane enough to not be sending you away? To believe you have control at bettering your life, even if deep down you know that in the past, it was the others that broke you, and your future looks much the same. But you try anyway, because it gives you comfort in believing.
Q. Where's your here and now then? A. It's in the past.
I wrote a list of everything I hate about you. It's titled 'Truth'.
Today something dramatic happened. This is how I described it to my friend.
Me: How are you? Friend: Tired Friend: You? Me: Sooo soo soooooo shit. Me: But it's great. Me: You know when you get in a zone, Where everything's fucked to the bone but you know it's the start of a new you and you're excited? Me: Because you don't give a fuck anymore and you're just gonna be someone you don't know anymore and it's exciting. Me: And you need a distraction, that's so me right now.
Yeah, so here I go, just exploding the hope we'll be speaking, some day years from now seeking friendship and understanding, Yeah, I hope you get angry and hurt, and have the hardest of landings. And I hope your new girl thinks of me when she sees what a number I did on you. It's must easier to make a monster out of you.
But not to worry, I've downed half a block of chocolate, about 10 lollies and a nectarine. Well done miserable, broken up Mary who eats her feelings.
Formal tonight, I'm so excited. I bought my dress yesterday, and it's not in the colour I wanted (I wanted a dark blue to match my eyes and complement my hair), but it's black and grey up top. My shoes are silver. I hope I won't look gothic or anything, but I shouldnt do because I've got an idea for my makeup. Hopefully I'll be able to get some photos of myself as I've lost my camera charger but myfriend's allowing me to borrow hers.
I dreamt some strange things last night. Ex boyfriends definitely appeared in the dream bubble and it's made my stomach feel all knotted.
Therapy, was my plan for today. But of course something had to go wrong. I left my wallet at home. I found a dress and shoes for formal tomorrow though, michele paid and i'll return the money tomorrow. I feel so humungous. Breakup has caused me to eat too much chocolate and it's making me breakout. I don't think I'll look as beautiful as I wish to be tomorrow. Oh well, hopefully it's fun.