I feel dirty but so clean and rejuvenated. I feel like I'm being used. I feel like I'm using them. I fear I'm falling. I know I can't love. This makes me smile. This makes me cry, as you've seen. It makes me feel safe. It makes me feel vulnerable.
I have control for once, with something I want no control over.
Ever had someone tell you that it's best to live in the moment. To live in the here and now, forget about the past and don't plan for the future? Ever had someone tell you this almost every day? I have.
Sure, it makes sense and it sounds easy enough. It sounds like a good plan if you want to better your life. But what if your past has scarred you so much, has altered you into the fearful and broken human being you are? What then. What if, you try with every little thing you have, you really goddamn truly fucking try to forget the hurt, but it's encripted into your being, into your soul. Your past is who you are today, a fearful and broken human being. What if, not having some control frightens you half to what's left to die? You've no control with what happens in the future, sure. But you have the power to guide it. It may not always work out the way you want, but you can guide it. What if, guiding your future into something more appealing than your past, is something you cannot help? Something you must do to keep you here, to keep you sane enough to not be sending you away? To believe you have control at bettering your life, even if deep down you know that in the past, it was the others that broke you, and your future looks much the same. But you try anyway, because it gives you comfort in believing.
Q. Where's your here and now then? A. It's in the past.
I wrote a list of everything I hate about you. It's titled 'Truth'.
Today something dramatic happened. This is how I described it to my friend.
Me: How are you? Friend: Tired Friend: You? Me: Sooo soo soooooo shit. Me: But it's great. Me: You know when you get in a zone, Where everything's fucked to the bone but you know it's the start of a new you and you're excited? Me: Because you don't give a fuck anymore and you're just gonna be someone you don't know anymore and it's exciting. Me: And you need a distraction, that's so me right now.
Yeah, so here I go, just exploding the hope we'll be speaking, some day years from now seeking friendship and understanding, Yeah, I hope you get angry and hurt, and have the hardest of landings. And I hope your new girl thinks of me when she sees what a number I did on you. It's must easier to make a monster out of you.
But not to worry, I've downed half a block of chocolate, about 10 lollies and a nectarine. Well done miserable, broken up Mary who eats her feelings.
Formal tonight, I'm so excited. I bought my dress yesterday, and it's not in the colour I wanted (I wanted a dark blue to match my eyes and complement my hair), but it's black and grey up top. My shoes are silver. I hope I won't look gothic or anything, but I shouldnt do because I've got an idea for my makeup. Hopefully I'll be able to get some photos of myself as I've lost my camera charger but myfriend's allowing me to borrow hers.
I dreamt some strange things last night. Ex boyfriends definitely appeared in the dream bubble and it's made my stomach feel all knotted.
Therapy, was my plan for today. But of course something had to go wrong. I left my wallet at home. I found a dress and shoes for formal tomorrow though, michele paid and i'll return the money tomorrow. I feel so humungous. Breakup has caused me to eat too much chocolate and it's making me breakout. I don't think I'll look as beautiful as I wish to be tomorrow. Oh well, hopefully it's fun.
Sometimes strangers words just make me cry. Sometimes they can be so beautiful. Sometimes they can be so true.
Karlie Kloss is absolutely gorgeous, yes? And the new Marc Jacobs perfume 'Lola' has a marvellous bottle! But I went and smelt it, and I seriously cringed. I doubt it matters though, because everything else is fantastic.
Btw, I ate nothing but junk food today. Ick. And I've the flu, ick again.
I announced yesterday that obsessions run my life, and now I've decided to name a select few.
Red heads. Oooh lala! I know it's become customary amongst the immature teens of this dreary stone-age to hate on the 'rangas', treat them as inferiors and see them as a whole different race. (All in good humour I suppose) But more and more 'hot heads' are dying their hair and are ashamed of their fair skin, freckles and similarity to that of a zoo animal. Others, hold their head high and embrace their unique gift. Please don't tell me red heads aren't hot! I look in envy upon every one that passes me.
Nicole Kidman looked stella in Practical Magic with this hair style!
Isla Fisher may not have gone the whole fiery red colour, but she's still reppin' the redheads.
Props to Ashlee for becoming one!
Drew Barrymoore looks amazing with her natural colour. I have hair envy.
Have you seen the movie, Benjamin Button? I think Cate Blanchett looks at her best with her long, red hair style you see her with.
Model; Alice Burdeu looks gorgeous with her red hair and pale complexion.
Lindsay Lohan, immediately go natural again. I order you.
psst, Lindsay Lohan's currently my favourite eye candy. She's gorgeous, I don't care what any of you say.
Hmm, enough about red heads, let's go back to black...
Black coffee that is. I've tried it in the past when I first starting trying to lose weight and I hated it. I tried to again today because I've started 'dieting' (i hate that word) again. I love it now! I don't know why I didn't before. So goodbye milk with 110 calories per serving and hello 10 calorie coffee drink. (not even)
Some people have told me that you should cut out coffee if you're trying to lose weight, others tell me the opposite. I've sided with the latter and not just because I want to! I've done research and coffee (well, caffeine) actually speeds up your motabolism and health experts and fitness instructors (such as that chick from biggest loser, the trainer) says that you should aim at two a day.
Today I had to go to my hell (school) for a meeting about one of my subjects next year. It was extremely nerveracking! I felt disgusting and still do. I had to spend recess there and luckily enough my friend Robbie accompanied me. I'm glad I've got him for a friend.
Next year's going to be hard, today made me realise that. Not just with the school work, but with the people too. It was strange going back and seeing how immature everyone is. Being away from school for so long, out in the real world made me grow up a lot. Should be interesting to say the least...
yes, it's my real name. so why do i insist on being Mary all the goddamn time? I see Mary as virginial, pure, sophisticated, simple and classy. I'm sick of being who I am, so I enjoy being somebody different. A Mary's who I'd rather be. You can think it's the insanity speaking, but I'm going with it.
I'm slowly distancing myself from everybody. I'm talking less and plan to slowly erase as much of my existance as possible.
Do you even know that I'm still here?
You lose track of bleeding with your novel for company, sitting in the bath.
true friendship? can someone please explain? i read a lot, and many great minds throughout history mention that it is one of the greatest things known to man. one of the greatest things one can feel. maybe i've never really given it a chance, or maybe i'm one of the people who don't get to experience it because i've yet to find someone who's able to mildly comprehend me. i'm not sure. do you believe that whoever sent us here has randomly plotted rare individuals who're not supposed to experience things such as true friendship because they've got a different task that must be done alone? without sounding like i'm conceited, i feel and always have felt, that i'm not like the others. maybe it's just this town i live in, but i've always felt it's something more.
friendship. i've always confided in myself more than others, i've always kept more secrets than anyone i know. maybe i'm supposed to endure this alone.
I'M SO SICK OF PEOPLE SAYING 'FML'. FUCK YOUR LIFE?! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
WHY? BECAUSE YOU HAVE HAVE TO WORK? BECAUSE YOU HAD A TIFF WITH YOUR FRIENDS? BECAUSE 'NO ONE UNDERSTANDS YOU'? BECAUSE YOUR FAMILY ARE 'MEAN' TO YOU? BECAUSE YOU DONT GET WHAT YOU WANT? BECAUSE NOTHING'S FAIR ANYMORE? BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT SCHOOL? BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT EXAMS AND HOMEWORK? BECAUSE YOU'RE STRESSED? BECAUSE YOU'RE LONELY? BECAUSE 'NO ONE LOVES YOU'? BECAUSE YOU SOMETIMES JUST FEEL LIKE CRYING? BECAUSE YOU'RE TIRED? BECAUSE YOU GOT NOOOO SLEEP LAST NIGHT? BECAUSE YOUR BROTHER ATE THE LAST BIT OF ICE-CREAM? BECAUSE YOUR SIBLINGS ARE THE FAVOURITE CHILD? BECAUSE YOU DONT HAVE ENOUGH FRIENDS? BECAUSE YOU MISSED YOUR FAVOURITE TV SHOW? BECAUSE SOMEONE'S BEING A LITTLE BIT MEAN TO?
Today I went to see New Moon with Michele. The movie was quite great, but I doubt it would've been so great if there weren't as many gorgeous guy running around. Afterwards we went to The Burger Bar for lunch. I ordered a satay chicken burger, minus the chicken, and plus the egg. People say I should become a vegan, but quite frankly I'm not even ready to start thinking about that. I love my milk way too much, milk substitutes in coffee is disgusting and I'm a coffee addict. Plus, vegan chocolate's a true killer. I believe by not eating meat, I'm doing a lot more than people who are. So get out of my grill! I bought two necklaces today because they were on sale and I needed new chains, but I suppose the charms they came with aren't too undesirable either. I also went into Myer and tried on some perfume (i'm currently on the prowl for a new scent, any recommendations) I tried on around five, I pick purely from the pretty bottles! And I really like two, but I can't remember which two they were! I hate that!
I'm currently reading Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov, the classic novel that caused a bit of a stir back in it's day about a peodophile.
I'm incredibly tired. Insomnia's a killer but I can't really sleep in because staying up all night and sleeping all day gets quite tedious and out of wack. I even place my alarm on the other side of my room so I have to walk over and turn it off - often I fall back to sleep even after that, but not lately which I'm both proud of and not-so-proud of.
Yesterday Michele and I went into town together which was nice for a change. I spent about an hour at the library and hired some books. I'm currently reading 'Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close' by Johnathon Safron. I shall be finished within a few days. So far, it's amazing! After that we went to KFC, Michele ate and I covered my nose from the awful smell and sipped my Pepsi Max. I also donated some money in the charity box which I'm pleased about. Then we went and I had my interview with school, I spoke very well and answered their extremely interrogating questions. They were pleased and I've been accepted back there next year for grade 11. I've basically skipped a whole year of school! After that we went to the plaza and spent time in bookshops and target, then I worked and came home and pigged out on chocolate and spoke to my boyfriend.
At work a girl from my school and her mother came in. It's no secret they BOTH hate me and I hate them. I was serving last night and they came to the register and I said 'Hey' (as you do!) and they didn't say a word. Then the mother turned her back on me and stormed out, I handed the daughter her bag and said 'Bye' (as you do again!) and she snatched it and stormed off. I was utterly disgusted. I thought returning to school would be okay next year, but it's attitude like that that makes life harder for others. It's disgusting.
I feel like there's a monster waiting to escape inside me. A different side of me that's yet to be unleashed; a frightening personality.
I'm so self loathing these days. I suppose you shouldn't point the blame at anyone, but I know better than that and I realise it's not me who's done this, it's all the people who've hurt me in the past.
Family members, experiences and girls and boys at school. It's sad that they can get away with ruining people's lives.
Am I really a terrible person after all? Probably.
I hate being reliant on medications. This is unfair.
And one day we will die And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea But for now we are young Let us lay in the sun And count every beautiful thing we can see Love to be In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me, me
I honestly feel this way sometimes. I mean, I often feel I'm dragging my boyfriend down with all my troubles and with all the nasty things my illness does to me. I feel more trouble than good. And as to friends, not that I really have many, they will never ever begin to understand what's going on right now and sometimes I feel like they've stopped trying. People are so selfish these days. Maybe we should just go on alone, or with our soul mates and just exist like this. Confiding in only one other, you can help with their problems and they can help with yours. I'm sick of trying, I'm sick of being on my best behaviour and I'm sick of caring so much when no one cares for anyone but themselves.
at The Reject Shop. The marvellous shop I'm currently employed at and where I spent most of my horrible day today. Thank goodness no one I knew showed up as I look horrible and probably will until I lose 10 kilos. I feel so gross.
It hasn't been a good month at all, things have gone down down down. And I've been feeling really lonely. I'm losing the ones I love, not talking to them or fighting with them. It's just another shitty thing I don't need. I've decided not to share my problems with anyone now as everyone else seems to have 'problems' too. Although miniscule, I guess to them they seem big. I wish they wouldn't talk to me about them though, look I don't really care. You think you have problems, take a step in my life.
Sneaking out to lunch today without anyone's knowing with a particular somebody they would never approve of. Apart from possibly my brother.
I shall speak more of this instance at a later time....
Admittedly, I'm extremely anxious and apprehensive about how it will get along. I feel even some reluctance at keeping to the plan and turning up for it.
Two months of renewed mutual loving marks today. I realise it doesn't sound much, but when you've previously been together for two years, it honestly seems as though we've never parted. My heart's consistently beated for this man, i've never once tripped out of love with him, i suppose it's possible i never will.
I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home
It just occurred to me; i'm one of those people who need looking after and 'handle with care' taped across my middle. - I don't like that.
A reader, an opinionative intellectual, now a blogger, an insane insomniac, a proud martian, an awkward vegetarian, an insect murderer, a secret keeper, a caffeine junkie, a fashion conscious romantic, a learner, a teacher, an insecure introvert, a winter-month-hanger, a crafty individual, an asshole and an incomprehensible stranger...always.
Picture: Tim Walker (photographer) and cherry blossoms make me tingle as of late.